| WWW,
July 2009 - After having been unable to
update the site for a week or so, I finally
found the opportunity to write a personal
update in which I hope to be able to share
something about the things I went through
these last times, as well as my current
status.
This is not easy: how to share some
private things without touching the privacy
of others around me, and myself? I have to
do it, though. For when private matters have
such an influence that I am unable to update
the Dubroom as I hope to do, I feel I have
to share some things still.
I'm usually quite reluctant in sharing
things about my private life, especially
when this involves other people around me.
Loved ones, friends, family, where none of
them have anything to do with the Dubroom
persay. A few instances wherein loved ones
around me were personally harassed,
threatened and insulted because my online
works made me come to that decision.
Usually, I manage to separate my private
life and that of the loved ones around me
from the works I do in and on the Dubroom.
By working ahead, sometimes even a month, I
managed to balance between traveling to and
from a different continent several times,
where I was unable to update the website
because of other obligations.
I've been in this situation for a long
time. When I was here, in the Netherlands, I
worked hard to get the Dubroom ready for the
times I would be abroad. The rest of my time
was completely livicated to a personal
and private matter, in which I've had a lot
of intense and learning experiences.
Woody Allen once said: "If you wanna
make God laugh, tell Him about your
plans". I definitely had other plans
than Jah, for flying airplanes and facing
all these absurd security and immigration
issues isn't really one of my hobbies. I
thought I would be spending a few years
building up a studio right here, but instead
I would have an experience that I will never
forget.
That particular experience has recently,
very recently I might add, come to an end.
Fortunately, I will no longer have to take
the plane and I can, Jah willing, start to
build further here, locally, in the Dubroom.
Things have been hectic like never
before, especially the last few weeks.
Things which I had expected to happen in the
beginning of May, suddenly all came down
around the middle of July. Important
meetings, unforeseeable complications, I
could hardly face the things I had to face.
All of this resulted in the fact that I
was simply unable to even leave a message on
the Dubroom saying something like I am
saying in this update. I would wake up,
start to deal with the situations about 20
minutes after, and I would be dealing,
worrying and praying for the rest of the
day, until I would go to sleep.
This stress has really taken it's toll
now that once again I have seen how Jah is
in control. I see Him controlling
everything. I see Him working on me to make
me realize I should fear Him, that I am
depending on Him, and also: that He wants to
use me.
I was very much unsure, as on one hand I
feared Jah and hoped that the things I did
were His will, where on the other hand I
knew I needed to trust Jah too. I discovered
to a much deeper level, where that fear and
trust would actually meet in the spiritual
spectrum of things: it is within His will.
I made a lot of plans, and I made Jah
laugh about them all the time. I see that in
retrospect. I see, how He is in control and
does things His own way. It's not about me
doing a thing for Jah at all, and so I
realized I had to let go the idea that I
could plan anything that can be considered
the Will of Jah.
These last times, I faced what seemed to
be unovercomeable problems and obstacles
many times. Every time I thought I found a
way out, that door was closed. And indeed:
every time, another door opened.
Supernaturally, even.
It was not, that I did not believe that
Jah can and will interfere directly and
obviously for those with eyes to see. I
mean, just take a look at the universe:
would the Creator be unable to fulfill His
will? That in itself is so ridiculous that I
don't even wanna go further commenting to
that idea.
It was this: I was very much afraid, that
I was not doing Jah will at all! As people
encouraged me to trust Jah, I said to
myself: "How can I trust Jah to do what
I prayed for when I'm not sure if it is what
He wants in the first place?"
Jah showed me, however, to step out of
myself as it were. He showed me, that in all
the things I was involved in, I was actually
not doing my own things at all! Sure, I made
plans and all that, but most of them turned
out to be kind of absurd when I see in
retrospect just how the problems I faced
were actually solved. No, He gradually
showed me how He was using me in a thing
that was much bigger, a thing that has to do
with His will.
More and more, I realized how I was more
of a witness than an actual participant with
own initiatives. I went through the belly of
the beast several times, just to hear how
that beast could do nothing but bark. In the
valley of shadows, I feared evil no more as
I saw how Jah was with me showing me more of
His enormous power.
Jah doesn't give any (wo)man more than (s)he
can bear. I can testify this to the max.
Just a week ago, I was at end of my ability
to absorb anything. I had kind of lost most
of my energy, even to the extend that eating
and drinking became too difficult!
I had one thing left, which was: trust.
Trusting in Jah. Trusting, that He would
simply do His will in front of my eyes where
me I could do nothing but realizing my own
inabilities. I feared Jah because I knew
that my will is irrelevant when it comes to
Jah's will, but I learned that I had to
trust in the fact that indeed, Jah Will Be
Done.
Now that I saw just a little bit about
how His will is done, I'm moving forward
from the valley of shadows to the green
pastures where I am being made to lay down
as He comforts my soul and gives me
strength.
I just found the strength to write this
update. Yes, that's how bad it was. And yes,
that's how Good Jah is! He taught me some
crucial lessons and now He makes me to lay
down for a while so I can meditate over
everything that has happened.
I know, that I need some time to recover
physically. I hope, that I can be able to do
some things somewhere within the next two
weeks. In the meantime, I hope you'll stay
with me as I try to answer correspondence,
work on some interesting material, et
cetera.
One Love, Give Thanks,
Messian Dread
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